


Haven Sent

by Jiffers



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 20:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4152471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jiffers/pseuds/Jiffers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>POV from those left behind at Haven while the Herald takes on Corypheus.  Cause, romance!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Haven Fall

Roderick’s statement hung heavily in the dank Chantry air. It echoed throughout the doorway and stunned the figures gathered there. He sighed heavily and grimaced against the pain. “There is a path - you wouldn’t know it unless you made the Summer Pilgrimage. She must have shown me. Andraste must have shown me so I could… tell you.”

All eyes snapped to the Chancellor as he leaned heavily against Dorian. “What are you going on about, Roderick?” Carrilyce asked. 

He met her eyes in apology. “I found it by accident many years ago. It was overgrown and I don’t think there’s anyone here besides me who knows of it. It’s a way to get everyone out of Haven without Corypheus knowing.”

A murmur of excitement swept through the small group until Cullen held up his hand in command. “It would work, but some how we need to distract Corypheus while we make our escape. We need a plan and we don’t have a lot of time to come up with one. Someone give me some ideas.” The companions grew pensive and quietly discussed options. Carrilyce caught his eye and motioned to a dark corner with a tilt of her head. He slipped away from the group to follow her. 

She turned her back for a moment, then straightened her shoulders and faced him. “Your plan to bury Haven would still work if we bought ourselves enough time to get everyone out of the Chantry and onto that trail,” she stated bluntly, not meeting his eyes. “I’ll do it. Corypheus wants me. I’ll keep him distracted long enough for you to get everyone out.” Her green eyes reflected a quick succession of emotions – shifting from sadness to weary resignation before she looked at him. 

“Herald… Carrilyce,” he ground out, feeling his jaw tense with the urge to deny her plan. “You’re our hope, you can’t be our sacrifice as well.”

She nodded once, quick and sharp and leaned in close. “It has to be me, Commander. I’m the one he wants. I’ll take a small group with me, just enough to secure the trebechet. Then when he takes the bait, I’ll send them back to the Chantry. I won’t lose anyone else. You get everyone else moving.” She paused and raised a shaking hand to tuck a strand of shaggy red hair behind her ear. “Just promise me one thing.”

Cullen felt his heart jerk at the acceptance in her eyes as she stepped back. She seemed too slight and young to bear the weight of taking Corypheus down by herself. He nodded jerkily.

“Don’t let them come after me,” Carrilyce said. “I know they’ll want to. I’m going to have to lie to get them to leave me. They are just as much a part of the Inquisition as I am. Tell them you saw me slip ahead to help someone up the path. There will be so much confusion that they won’t wonder at it until later.” She paused and drew in a shaky breath. “When you can’t hide it anymore, tell them I’m sorry. That I wish things had been different. That I did the best I could for all of them.”

“Carrilyce…” he started to say. 

She silenced him with a quick brush of lips on his cheek. “Lead them, Commander. Save them, Cullen.” She turned away and melted back into the group. He stared after her, one hand resting on his cheek over the bright spot of warmth she’d left. As his skin cooled, he took a deep breath and strode after her. 

The group drew silent at their approach. Carrilyce flashed her famous easy smile and announced, “We have a plan. We’re going to get to the remaining trebuchet and start an avalanche that will bury Haven. While we make our way there, our fearless advisors will start the survivors on the path out of the Chantry to safety. Once the trebuchet is armed and ready to go, we race back here to join them.” She met Cullen’s eyes quickly and glanced back to her audience. “I will go since Corypheus is some how able to sense me. That bond will keep his attention right where we want it when the snow hits. I need some volunteers to help me get there and arm it. Fast ones since we’ll be likely racing for our lives. Speed is of the utmost importance for this.” 

“That rules me out,” Varric snorted. “Dwarven legs were not meant for anything involving the word race.” He held his hand out and she took it. “I’ll stay here and help with the evacuation. You won’t do anything stupid out there, will you?” Carrilyce met his eyes and only Cullen noticed the slight tightening of her jaw.

“I wouldn’t dream of missing out on anymore of your stories, Varric. Or winning back my favorite lock picks in our next game of Wicked Grace.” He squeezed her hand once, then stepped back. “Solas? Cassandra? I was hoping you’d come with me. I could use the muscle and the magic in case we run into any remaining enemies.” 

They nodded their acceptance and she glanced at the remaining friends gathered around. “That should be good,” she said. “A small enough group to move quickly there and back. We’ll see the rest of you on the road up.” 

Cullen turned to the raggedy crowd standing around. “We have a way out,” he announced. “On my leave, we will follow Chancellor Roderick’s direction. Whatever happens, do not look back, do not falter. We may have lost Haven, but we haven’t lost ourselves. The Herald will buy us enough time to clear the tree line. May the Maker protect us all.” 

Dorian helped Roderick up and they limped towards a little used doorway hidden in the shadows. Soldiers and townsfolk grabbed what supplies they could and the line of people started to filter out into the snow. 

Cullen moved quickly to catch Carrilyce’s small party before they slipped out the door. “I’ll send up a flare when we’ve reached tree line,” he murmured into her ear. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

She gave a determined smile and shook her head. “No, but it is what I need to do.”

He grabbed her arm gently as she started to turn away. “I’ll wait here to close the door behind them. I’ll douse as many candles as I can so they won’t notice your absence until we’re well up the path. Carri….”

She rested her hand on his for a second. “This is our only choice, Cullen. I won’t let Corypheus take anymore from me.” With a final squeeze, she slipped out the door to follow Cassandra and Solas down the path to the gates. 

He felt a slight gust of air rush past him and shivered in response. Maybe Andraste’s spirit was following her and he sent up a brief prayer to the Maker that it was so. Turning back inside, he threw himself into the chaos with resolve, noting that Leliana and Josephine were smoothly leading the evacuees away. Once most of the residents of Haven were safely on the path up the mountain, Cullen dimmed the lights in the Chantry and retook his position by the front door. He heard Cassandra’s strident tone as she urged the group to run faster and held the heavy wood open for the two figures to slip through. “Go, go!” he urged as they paused in the doorway. He pointed towards the exit barely lit by a flickering torch. Cassandra stopped and glanced around puzzled. Cullen drew himself up and commanded, “Go now. I saw the Herald pass through already. We need to move now.” 

As he slammed the heavy door shut, Cullen heard the retreating footsteps echo in the hallway behind him. He rested his forehead against the door and felt the prickle of tears burn his eyes. “Andraste forgive me. Maker take you to his side, Carri.” He turned and raced after them.


	2. Haven Fled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revalations

Cullen stared blankly at the map stretched across his lap. The firelight danced across the paper, casting fingers of shadow and light over the expanse that had been Haven. The twisting flames drew his eyes towards the fire pit reminding him of Carri's hair as she slipped out the Chantry's door. He buried his face in his hands and let out a sigh. The guilt had been easy to push back on the exhausting rush up the mountain and trying to keep the remaining refugees calm and settled, but now in the stillness and safety of their temporary nest he realized what a void she had left behind. Her good natured teasing had softened a part of him long held back and he missed the warmth just being around her had brought.  


The chaos of the two day trek had made it relatively easy to hide that the Herald wasn't with them. There was little difficulty in the constantly shifting masses and the harsh environment around them to misplace a single person, especially when everyone was sure they had just seen her.  


He settled his weight on his stool and gazed out into the darkness, map forgotten. The blowing snow beyond the tented walls of the camp obscured all signs of humanity. It was just a matter of time before someone questioned her whereabouts now that shelter had been struck. Cullen chuckled mithlessly to himself and wondered who would be the first to approach him.  


Unsurprisingly, it was Cassandra. Her normally brash and straightforward manner tinted with a vague sense of hesitation, Varric at her heels. The unlikely duo stood at the edge of the firelight and shared a look. It was almost amusing to watch the Seeker consciously square her shoulders and take a deep breath. "Commander," she started, a slight tremor in her voice. "We can't find the Herald."  


Varric stepped up next to her, left hand unconsciously reaching back to touch Bianca's shaft where she rested on his shoulder. He eyed the fire then met Cullen's eyes. "Thing is, we've checked all the tents and she's not here."  


Cullen rubbed the back of his neck and met their worried gazes. "Gather the rest," he said. "But keep it quiet for now. There is something I need to say, but I only have the heart to say it once. And it can't go beyond us for now." Cassandra's jaw set and she moved towards him. "Please, Seeker..." Something in his face convinced her of the urgency in his plea and she nodded once curtly, then vanished back into the dark of the camp.  


Varric took a few silent steps forward as Cullen stared into the fire. The dwarf shifted his weight and ran a hand over the back of his head. "We aren't going to like this, are we?" he said quietly.  
Cullen gave a slight snort. "No. I know I certainly don't and I don't relish the idea of being the one to take our hope away."  


The rogue studied the ex-templar, his brown eyes stoic under hooded brows. "You know there wouldn't have been anything you could have said to change her mind once she decided something," he said softly as he reached out and rested a hand on the furred cape covering Cullen's shoulders.  


Cullen drew in a shaky breath. "I should have done something. Said something. Gone myself after locking her in a trunk to be carried out. I didn't even fight her on it. I'm expendable.. she wasn't -isn't." His voice raised a little on the last word and he was surprised to hear the quiver.  


"Ah Curly," the dwarf sighed. "We are talking about the same stubborn red head, right? She wouldn't have let anyone step between her and danger. Especially not someone she cared about." He paused at Cullen's stricken look and slapped a hand to his forehead. "Well, shit... you didn't know?"


	3. Haven Knocked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revalations

The long neglected map fell to the snow between Cullen's boots. Bits of snow dusted his hair as he tried to process what Varric's words meant. "I thought it un-towards of me, that she was just being Carri. I never let her know." His words trailed off and he stared unseeing in the dwarf's direction. "I. Never. Let. Her. Know." The commander stood abruptly as each word ripped from him. He looked wildly around as if his pleading would summon the figure he wanted to see. 

Varric chuckled, the note of genuine amusement at odds with the solemnness of the situation. "What a pair you two make. Humans - always complicating what should be easy. She didn't think you would be interested in someone like her. She didn't want to lose your respect." At Cullen's wild eyed stare, he turned slightly and ran a hand through his hair. "Ah Curly... she couldn't tell you. I don't think even she knew. I caught her yelling at herself at Herrit's forge one day. She wore herself out trying to staying away without understanding why." 

Cullen fell heavily back on his stool, his solid armor thudding dully. He stared at the fire and tried to process everything the dwarf had just confided in him. The unfairness of the situation twisted his emotions into a churning mess of disbelief, outrage and a strange sense of lightness. He was torn between anger at himself for not seizing the moment and at Carri for not letting him have the opportunity to do so. Feeling his heart clench, he met Varric's eyes. The rogue flinched and stepped back reflexively. Cullen stood and stalked in his direction. "I never let her know," he ground out around gritted teeth. Varric put his hands up as the larger man grabbed him by the front of his tunic. "I never let her know," Cullen roared, each word punctuated with a small shake. 

"Commander, please!" Leliana exclaimed throwing an arm between the two figures. "What in Thedas are you doing?" For a drawn out minute, he stared at her in shock. Then he looked at the group gathered just outside the firelight and seemed to remember where he was. His fingers released the velvet material and he blushed bright red, stammering out an apology to Varric. 

"Please," the dwarf said easily, straightening out the crushed neckline of his tunic. "I get worse treatment at the Merchant's Guild meetings. Which is why I probably stopped going. Too hazardous on the wardrobe." 

Cullen stepped dazedly back to his stool. He glanced at the eight pairs of eyes watching nervously. "I'm sorry. I forgot myself for a moment." They filed into the small space, understandably giving him space as they huddled together. He chuckled mirthlessly at the thought of how he must have appeared - their usual stoic commander all wild eyed and crazed. He didn't blame them for keeping their distance, the current situation was beyond anything any of them had dealt with previously. 

Leliana was the first to step forward. She watched him warily and touched him gently on the arm. "Cullen," her soft Orleasian accent was almost apologetic. "What is going on? Why were you trying to kill Varric? And more importantly, why are you the only one who seems to know where the Herald is?" "

"And here I thought trying to kill Varric would be the most important one of those questions," Varric grumped, trying to diffuse the situation. He offered a pretend pout in the Spymaster's direction. "Curly wasn't actually trying to kill me. I had the unfortunate task of giving him some previously unknown information and he needed to mull it over. Physically. With my coat." 

Cassandra shot him a dirty look. "You aren't funny, Varric. Explain yourself." 

"All in good time, Seeker," he shot her a wink. "I think you'll find a lot of what you're about to learn goes hand in hand. Give the commander a chance to gather his thoughts again and I'm sure you'll be happy to get the full story. Briefly..." He added the last part under his breath and winced at the maelstrom that was about to break loose. Lady Pentaghast wasn't exactly known for being a delicate communicator. He didn't envy the position Cullen was about to find himself in.


	4. Haven Confessed

Varric gestured at the group of logs ringing the fire pit. "Why doesn't everyone take a seat and we'll figure out what's going on from the beginning." He shot Cassandra a glance from under a raised brow. With a slight huff, she lowered herself onto a seat. There was some shuffling while everyone else took one as well and the dwarf took the opportunity to quietly move towards Cullen. "Take a minute, Commander. My advice is to lay everything on the line when you tell us. We all know what Carri is like and I have a feeling that none of this is your fault." With a final squeeze to the ex-templar's shoulder, he chose a log seat across the fire from where the fuming Seeker was sitting. "This is going to be interesting," he thought to himself.

Cullen ran a restless hand through his hair. "Maker..." he said quietly. "How many days has it been since we fled Haven? I'd like to say I've lost count but I haven't. Every damned minute I've been thinking about what happened. About Car - the Herald and what she chose to do. I've thought about what I could have done differently, what she could have done, what anyone could have done. And I can't come up with a single thing that would have been more successful." He straightened and met their eyes. After a deep breath, he continued. "Carri chose to stay behind to distract Corypheus. She took the two of you to help with the trebechet." A quick nod towards Solas and Cassandra showed their faces were pale - the elf staring thoughtfully at the fire.

"Her plan was to have you both there long enough to get it in position, then have you return to the Chantry and flee with the rest. She thought that with Corypheus' attention on her it would allow for the rest of us to survive." Pacing restlessly, he paused in front of the log where Leliana and Cassandra sat. They looked ready to argue the minute he stopped his recount so he continued his circular route before returning to his own seat. Staring out into the darkness, he spoke quietly as if to himself. "She didn't want you to know. She didn't want any of us to know. I think if I hadn't have been right there by that door, I wouldn't even have known." Cullen turned abruptly and faced them again. "I didn't like it. But I didn't have anything else to suggest."

Silence gathered around the fire as the assembled party took in his words. He could see the play of emotions in their faces through the dancing flames. Josephine had her diplomat mask in place, but he could see the anguish in her eyes. They were struggling to make sense of a world that had been rocked yet again. He sighed and sat down, his own head a whirl of painful confessions that were too late to be given life.

For a while, the crackling of the fire was the only sound in the night. Varrick slipped away and returned with a mug of hot tea. He handed it to Cullen who nodded his thanks. A few of the newer recruits slipped away, unsure of what the disappearance of the Herald meant to them and their place in the group. Sera tossed a twig she had been worrying into the pit and muttered about "big people who think they are little people" before the darkness swallowed her slight form.

Iron Bull stood, his one eye piercing Cullen. "She was a good boss," his deep tone quivered a little. "She made the hard call. The Chargers and I would have followed her anywhere." He blew out a breath. "We're still with the Inquisition. Let me know what - and when - we're needed." With a nod at the Commander, he turned and walked slowly back to his tent.

Leliana stood and moved gracefully towards Cullen. She knelt at his feet and rested a hand on his knee. Her eyes caught his golden brown ones and he gave her a helpless smile. "Let me send a few of my people back to Haven," she said softly. "No one blames you. You both did what needed to be done under impossible conditions."

He sighed and dug an armored hand through his hair. "It should have been me. Why didn't I try harder to convince her of that?"

The spymaster let out a slight laugh. "You know once Carri made her mind up, she wasn't budging. She saved us, not once but several times." Her Orleasian accent hardened. "Do you think this is what she would have wanted? For us to honor her sacrifice by squatting here in pity?"

Cullen glared at her, his hand crushing the mug. They both watched the shattered pieces fall to the snowy ground, disappearing into the slight drift at his feet. Leliana moved her hand to his arm. "Let me send someone back to check. To just make sure. Then we'll figure out what comes next." He let out a long breath and stared back out into the valley before nodding his agreement. She patted his arm and stood. With a stern glance she snagged Cassandra's elbow with her own and attempted to tug the Seeker away.

Cassandra resisted for a moment. Her dark brown eyes filled with tears that seemed to shock her as much as it did Cullen. She stared at him for a moment, her shoulders tense and unyielding before visibly crumpling. "What do we do now?" she asked plaintively. "First we lost the Hero. Then the Champion. And now the Herald. Who do we look to now?"

Cullen shook his head. "We look to us. We have to stay strong." Her chin quivered for a minute before she squared her jaw and nodded sharply once. Leliana led her out into the camp and it seemed the two needed each other for support.

Solas slipped quietly next to Cullen. He stood for a moment then glanced at the taller man out of the corner of his eye. "I will attempt to check the fade," he said. "However, something tells me I won't find her there. I have hope, Commander." He started to move out of the warmth of the fire then turned slightly back. "Also, have you noticed that Cole is missing as well?"


	5. Haven Named

"Cole..." Culled wracked his brain trying to put a face to the name. It teased just at the edge of his mind, but danced away before he could grasp it. There HAD been a Cole, hadn't there? Thrilled to have a puzzle to distract him, he moved towards his tent. Solas remained at the fire pit staring ruefully after the retreating figure. He leaned heavily on his staff and ruminated on the news they had been given. With a shake of his head, he sought out his own bed in hopes of finding a Fade Spirit who might guide him to where ever Carri's light rested. He couldn't shake the feeling that she hadn't left Thedas quite yet.

Lighting a lantern, Culled sat on the edge of his cot and pulled his boots off. His breath left a misty trail in the cold air of the tent, but he didn't feel it. He stood and stripped his armor off, setting it in his crate of supplies in the corner. Pulling a cotton tunic over his head, he gathered a pair of matching soft pants and returned to the cot. He stood next to the bed, lost in thought. Who was Cole? And why was he important enough for the elven mage to have mentioned. Cullen stepped into the pants and drew back the Druffalo hide that served as his blanket. He blew out the lantern and settled himself into the cot. Placing his hands behind his head, he stared at the roof of the tent still puzzling over the mysterious missing Cole.

"Cole is a male name," he mused. "So that narrows it down a bit. Where do I remember seeing a Cole?" He closed his eyes and mentally flipped through all the faces he could remember at Haven. "I think he was young. A recruit maybe? But a soldier doesn't feel right. And definitely not a mage, I'd remember that... I think." Concentrating hard, a flash of a face framed by lanky blonde hair settled into his thoughts. His mind strained to fill in the blanks and he sighed in frustration. "A hat. Something about a hat that didn't fit right." With a groan, he rolled over and rested his head on his arm. He knew this was a key to something else but it just kept slipping from his grasp.

Unbidden, his mind wandered to Carri. He couldn't believe how helpless Varric's revelation from earlier made him feel. He felt a sharp pang in his heart thinking about everything he had wanted to say to her but held in. Cullen rolled over on his back and groaned. "Maker's breath," he sighed. "I"m the biggest idiot." 

"You're not an idiot," a disembodied voice said from across the tent. "You just didn't know. Neither of you did."

"Great," Cullen muttered, punching his pillow beneath his head. "Now I'm hearing things."

"I'm not a thing," the voice replied. "Well, I was. Once. But Rhys found me and now I'm not."

Cullen bolted upright, the hide falling to his lap. "Who's there?" he ground out. "Show yourself." He scrambled for the lantern and lit it with a spark from a flint.

The dim flame from the wick painted the canvas walls of the tent with thin light. Cullen twisted around holding the lantern aloft - searching the small confines for his unwelcome visitor. He threw back the flap over the door and held the light outside to inspect the footprints in the snow. The only ones he found were his own leading into the shelter. With a perplexed sigh, he re secured the fasteners and stood in the center of the tent. "Great..." he muttered. "Now I'm bloody well hearing things." 

"That's because you don't want to see me," the voice replied from over his shoulder. He dropped into a guarded crouch and whirled around, brandishing the lantern in front of him. A vague shape took form, sitting cross legged on the crate that held his armor. "You have to want it. There isn't enough me right now to make you see. I'm stretched to thin to be with you both." 


	6. Haven Confronted

Cullen jolted back, his knees hitting the edge of the cot and he fell heavily backwards. The lantern hit the ground and the dim flame went out. The darkness of the tent was oppressive and Cullen could feel his heart racing in his chest. He stared in the direction of the apparition and waited for some sign of movement. A soft hiss filled the air and he flinched back as a small spark appeared before him. 

"You have to want to see me, Commander. I can't make you right now. Carrilyce needs to be able to see me more." The spark moved closer and materialized into a match. Cullen held his breath as a pale hand reached towards the lantern and relit the wick. His heart started to slow its frantic pace and he narrowed his eyes to see into the darkness beyond the light. "Maybe this will help," the voice said. The lantern drifted higher until an apprehensive face was illuminated. 

Cullen studied the young man before him. "Cole, I presume," he said slowly. "I do remember you. You are friends with Carri. But I can't seem to remember you outside of being around her. Why is that?"

Cole bit his lip and seemed to shrink into himself. "I can make you forget. Please don't be angry. She needs us both right now." 

Cullen blinked in surprise as Cole's body seemed to fade. He gently reached out and took the lantern from him, setting it down on the ground between them. "What are you?" he asked. Then his templar training kicked in and his back stiffened. "Are you a mage? An abomination?"

The young man stared down into his lap, twisting his hands. "I am me," he finally replied quietly. "I came to help. I want to help. I found Carri in the Fade and she needed me. But I needed her too. So I followed her. She makes me feel more real." His figure grew more solid and he met Cullen's eyes. "Now she needs you. She's lost and I - we - need to bring her home."

An irrational anger filled Cullen and he glared at Cole. "Don't taunt me with that. She's dead. I should have helped her and I didn't. And now I can't. " He turned and kicked the cot, his shoulders shaking with grief. 

"No she's not," Cole held his hands up as the larger man whirled around. "I promise you she's not. I've been with her. Trying to help her find the way here. To safety. That's why I'm stretched thin. But she needs more than me now. I can't keep her warm, she's too cold."

Cullen moved swiftly across the tent and grasped Cole by the upper arms. "What are you talking about?" he ground out. He tightened his grip and almost unseated the boy from his cross legged seat. Cole's eyes grew wide and with a sudden shift, he was no longer there. Cullen's hands tightened into fists and he stumbled forward. Breathing heavily, he clenched his eyes and leaned against the crate. "Maker's breath," he pleaded into the empty tent. "Please tell me I didn't leave her to die. Please come back and help me find her." His eyes burned with unshed tears and he walked back to the cot and straightened it. Sitting heavily on the edge, he rubbed the bridge of his nose and exhaled. "Please..." 

A slight gust of air rustled the area around him and he looked up. "I'll try, Commander," the voice said faintly. "We're close. I think. It's hard to tell with everything so white. Be ready." He felt a chill on the back of his neck and the sense of someone being there was gone. 

Cullen collapsed backwards on the cot and he groaned in frustration. "And with that I've either lost my mind or we're about to be handed another miracle. Either way, there won't be any sleep for me tonight." He stared at the canvas roof above him and wondered who he could tell about the events that had just occurred. Keeping it to himself for now seemed like the best choice and he vowed that the first light of morning would find him on watch. In case Cole was right, he wanted to be the one to find her. His determination grew - he owed her that much. Too many things had been left unsaid and it was time to rectify that. 


	7. Haven Exposed

The morning dawned crisp and cold. The snow sparkled in the early light and Leliana could see her breath as she ducked out of the tent she shared with Josephine. She paused for a moment and turned her face towards the sun just grazing the horizon. The weak beams illuminated the smattering of freckles on her nose and she gave a small hum of contentment before continuing her way to the main fire. Accepting two mugs of hot tea, the lithe spymaster headed to Cullen's tent.

"Commander," she called out, rustling the flap covering the entry way with one of the mugs. Silence greeted her query so she stuck her head into the dark interior. A quick scan showed her the tent was empty and she stepped back outside puzzled. Glancing around the camp, she headed back towards the small group gathered in the bigger clearing.

"Has anyone seen Commander Cullen?" she asked the nearest soldier huddled on a log by the fire.

The young man pointed up towards a rise overlooking the makeshift camp. "He's perched up there like a bloody owl, Ser." He looked nervously towards the smudge of dark highlighted against the white expanse of snow. "Is there something chasing us? Or is something we should know about behind us?"

Leliana smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "No. We're quite safe where we're at. The Commander is just being thorough. It's been rough on us all and you can't blame him for hoping..." Her voice trailed off as she gazed sadly where Cullen crouched on a rock looking back towards where Haven had stood. Lost in thought, she didn't notice when the soldier stood and pressed his arm over his heart before melting back into the rows of tents. 

A sudden presence at her elbow started her and she almost dropped a mug as she reached for a dagger at her side. Dorian backed away slowly, his hands in the air. "I am sorry, Lady Leliana," he spoke gently. "I didn't mean to startle you." 

She relaxed and gave him a slight grin. "It would have ended worse for you I'm afraid." 

The handsome mage tossed his head back and laughed. "I do believe you're right," he agreed smoothly. "However, I would have hoped to at least give a good show before you dropped me." He quirked an eyebrow in silent question and she gestured towards the fire in invitation. He caught her pensive glance up the hill and studied the dark figure perched up the hill. "Our esteemed Commander seemed shaken last night. How is he handling himself this morning?" 

Leliana sighed and gazed into the fire. "I don't know to be honest." Her light eyes met his and the pain in them echoed his own. "I don't know how long he's been up there. I don't know WHY he's up there. I went to talk with him this morning about sending some scouts back down, but he was already gone." She started to take a sip out of her mug and grimaced to find the tea long cold. Dorian smirked and pointed at the cup. A small spark shot from his finger and she felt the liquid turn instantly hot. With a small salute, she lifted it to her mouth and enjoyed the warmth sliding down her throat. 

They stood in companionable quiet for a minute, both lost in their thoughts as they watched Cullen shift slightly. Dorian broke the silence and mused, "He seemed to feel he was the entire source of blame for the Herald's loss." Lifting a dark eyebrow, he sent her a challenging look. "Do you blame him?"

She started to deny the question, then paused considering. "No," she said finally. "I know some might, but I don't think anyone could have stopped her. Short of tying her up and carrying her out of Haven, perhaps. What I don't understand is why he puts the blame only on himself though." She turned back to the fire and sipped thoughtfully on the tea.

"Ah," Dorian gave a soft chuckle. "Now that is a question I can answer." She looked up sharply and narrowed her blue eyes in his direction. He laughed harder and she gestured towards her dagger. "Now now," he raised his hands in supplication. "It's quite simple really. He loves her. He feels like he failed her."

Leliana's brow furrowed as she considered the Tevinter mage's words. "I've known the Commander for awhile now. He's never given any indication of wanting a relationship with anyone." With a rueful laugh, she looked at Dorian. "Considering I'm in charge of all the information and secrets that pass through Haven, I think missing our Cullen's interest marks me as a novice."

He roared with laughter before patting her shoulder consolingly. "That's quite alright, my lovely spymaster. I would be willing to bet my striking self that he wasn't even quite aware of it. I only know because I consider myself quite the expert in reading people. I can also assure you that Carri felt exactly the same as he did." He shook his head and tisked his tongue several times. "Two more stubbornly unaware people I have never had the pleasure of meeting."

She nodded in agreement and they stood watching the fire for awhile. Finally, Leliana stirred and set her empty mug in the wash bucket. "I'd better get up there," she gestured towards Cullen. "I want... no, I need to discuss sending scouts to Haven before we figure out where to go from here. Somehow, I think this isn't going to go as smoothly as I'd like." She shot a raised eyebrow in Dorian's direction and lifted the second cup.

The dark haired mage dipped his head in acknowledgement and shot another small spark to heat the cold brew. "I wish you luck then, my dear lady. Go soothe the savage beast. We'll wait here with baited breath. Just..." he paused and his voice gentled. "Remember he's hurting." He gazed up the hill towards the ex-templar and rested a thoughtful finger across his lips. "I think the Commander isn't used to letting emotions be part of his life. The poor man is only just now realizing what he's lost. Before it started, really." 

Leliana patted his arm and moved past him up the hill. "I will do my best, Dorian. I know what it's like to lose someone you can't let yourself love. Unfortunately, this isn't the time to dwell on it." 

"Ah my dear," the mage chuckled to himself. He tipped an imaginary hat in the direction of the watcher on the rock and retreated back towards his tent. "Unfortunately, this IS the perfect time for our handsome war leader to dwell on it."


	8. Haven Admitted

The sun had cleared the horizon and a slight breeze cut through her robes by the time Leliana crested the hill. She stood next to Cullen's still figure and looked back down into the valley where Haven had stood. Cullen's attention barely shifted from the snowy expanse until she shoved the mug into his line of vision. With a slight chuckle, he took the tea and straightened from his crouch.

"You must think me a complete moron," he said wistfully.

Startled, Leliana laughed. "Well, maybe not a complete one," she replied. Turning to him, she studied the exhausted lines around his eyes. "Why are you up here, Commander?"

Cullen took a sip from the mug and shot her a sideways glance. "I wasn't allowed much sleep last night. An unexpected visitor you might say." His lip curled up in a half smile, the scar puckering and drawn. He shifted and looked at her fully. "Do you remember Cole?"

"Cole..." Leliana tasted the name on her tongue. "That seems familiar, but why? Was he a recruit in Haven?" Culllen just smiled as he watched her sharp mind work through and dismiss a multitude of people. "No, he was with Carrilyce," she mused before her eyes widened. "He's that spirit boy she brought back from the Fade. Why couldn't I remember him until you asked?" 

"Because he didn't want you to, I expect." Cullen returned his attention to the valley once more. He scanned the treeline before focusing his eyes back on her. "He seems to be able to do that. I found out the hard way last night. He said I didn't want to see him, therefore I couldn't. I guess whatever he is makes him... forgetable."

Leliana stiffened. "I don't like knowing there's something that can interfere with my mind," she said, her usually soft Orleasian accent now hard and biting. "What did the creature want with you?" 

"That's the thing." Cullen shifted uncomfortably. "He wanted to tell me that Carri's still alive. I guess he's with her, but doesn't have the ability to do much in the way of helping her. He wants us to find her." He turned his back to her and took a swallow of tea. 

"Oh Cullen," Leliana said gently. "So Dorian was right." She moved towards him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "We have to face the thought that she's gone. I have three of my quickest eyes heading down into Haven now. They'll be back by nightfall. Hopefully they'll have some news for us." He rested his chin on the top of her head and hugged her back. "But," she continued. "We have to decide what the next step is. We can't stay here. We're to exposed and our supplies won't allow for too much longer. We need to find shelter and plan for what becomes of the Inquisition." 

He sighed against her hair and clenched his jaw. "I know," he ground out. "I will be open to the possibility. I know we need to do what's best for the Inquisition. I will do all I can. I just need to know." 

Leliana stepped back and studied his face. His eyes met her blue ones and she could see the pain reflected in them. "It took two whole days to make it here. My people will be faster and lighter. I promise you, Commander, that as soon as I know anything, I will seek you out." He nodded his thanks and resumed his vigil of the valley. 

She stood beside him in companionable silence, both scanning the hillside below them for some sign of movement. The wind knocked a small shower of snow off a tree and they both jumped. Cullen chuckled and shook his head. "Have you ever been in love?" He shifted slightly to look at her.

"I have," she replied softly. 

"What was it like?" His voice was quiet and she almost missed the question.

"It was amazing. And painful. I've never felt as complete as I did with Aedan. He was an incredible man..." Her voice trailed off and a tear rolled down her cheek. Cullen reached out and squeezed her hand. 

"I'm sorry," he said simply. "I didn't mean to stir up bad feelings. You don't have to go on. I shouldn't have pried."

Leliana gave him a tremulous smile. "No, it's alright. I like thinking about the happier times. Aedan and I didn't have that long together. I lost him to the archdemon. We needed Alistair on the throne and neither of them wanted to run the risk of unleashing what Morrigan suggested." She paused for a moment, lost in thought. "Have you ever been in love, Cullen?"

He shook his head. "No. In the Circle, you really aren't encouraged to pursue a relationship. It's hard enough to be friends, much less find someone you share a connection of the heart with." He ducked his head and a slight blush darkened his cheeks. "I wasn't exactly... confident back then. Some of the mages delighted in making me stutter. Then when I went to Kirkwall I was so wrapped up in Meredith's agenda that I never found the time. I've a couple of "opportunities" but it just never felt right. There was this rather untoward pirate wench in Kirkwall named..."

"Isabela!" They both finished together. Leliana burst out laughing and for a moment the stress of the loss of Haven fell away. "I remember her vividly from Denerim. She was quite vocal in her interests. Aedan had to pry her off and poor Alistair - the dear boy had no idea which end was what. I heard she was in Kirkwall when I went to meet with Hawke but I didn't have the pleasure of running into her again." She shook her head and smiled at the memory. 

The grin slowly faded from Cullen's face and he narrowed his eyes in thought. "I should have told Carrilyce how I felt. I wasn't even sure myself. But I should have said something. I'm not good at talking to people on that level. And she was so good at drawing them out." He smiled sadly. "I could work on a recruit for a week and not know a thing beyond their name and level of competence with a sword. She'd walk by the training grounds and know their life story by the time she reached the other end. She inspired them. She inspired me. And I acted like a complete fool around her. I don't want that to be my last memory of her."

Leliana spun to face him. Startled, he stepped back with a hand on his sword. She raised an eyebrow in silent disbelief and he blushed again. "Cullen... Do you believe she is still alive?"

He thought for a moment, one long finger tracing the scar above his lip. "I'd like to."

She stepped closer and placed a hand on either side of his face. "Do you believe...?" She asked again.

Tears filled his eyes and he leaned his forehead against hers. "Yes," he whispered. "I do."

"Then we wait," she said. "And we hope. Because I need her to be alive as well. We all do. You're right - she inspired everyone and that's a rare gift. That's why we started the Inquisition. And that's why we'll see what my people say before we make any decisions. Ok?"

Cullen nodded. "Thank you," he ground out, his voice rough with emotion. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Aedan was a lucky man."

She peeked up at him from a curtain of thick lashes. "Yes he was," she agreed with a grin. Giving the valley one last glance, she started back down the hill into camp. Halfway down the path, she turned to look back up at him. "Cullen," she called out. He tilted his head in query. "Now it's your turn."

He raised a hand in agreement and returned his focus to the valley. Jaw set in determination, he skimmed the snowy slope and murmured, "I sure hope I have the chance to try."


	9. Haven Mourned

The day stretched into afternoon, seemingly endless. Figures huddled around fires as stilted conversation and nervous glances filled the air. The heavy sense of dread hung over the fire pit as Varric sat polishing Bianca's wooden stock. He absentmindedly watched the movement of the camp around him, lost in thought. Most of the people were avoiding his fire, but he couldn't tell if it was accidental or they just didn't know what to say. A frustrated sigh came from over his shoulder and he glanced up to see Cassandra drop heavily on the log next to him. She stared glumly into the fire, dark brows drawn fiercely into furrows. He silently rolled his eyes and waited for the explosion he felt building. 

To his surprise, the Seeker chewed on her lip before shooting him a sideways glance. "I shouldn't have doubted her," she ground out, her Navarran accent more pronounced than normal. "I know I've asked her forgiveness for doing so and she'd kill me if she heard me say that." She leaned forward and her shield shifted on her back. With a growl she pulled it off and rested it in front of her, hands lying loosely along the top. "But for some reason, it's all I can think of today. How I threw her into chains, how I accused her of killing the Divine, how long it took me to see that her spirit is only light." With a sigh, Cassandra cradled her forehead on her arms. "Why did I waste so much time fighting to believe in what she wasn't?" 

Varric's hand stilled as he contemplated the armored woman next to him. "Seeker," he said softly. "You did what you had to. No one knew what had happened in the Temple. Not even Carri knew and she was at the center of it all. Stop beating yourself up. What would she say right now if she heard you moaning about this?" 

A grin slipped across Cassandra's face as she brought her head up. "She'd say some horribly mixed up curse like Maker's ankles or Andraste's flaming knickerweasel. Something truly inappropriate and imaginative." A far away look entered her eyes and she rested her chin on the edge of the shield. "Then she'd give me her fiercest scowl and say 'knock it off, Cass. I'd have put me in chains too'." They shared a smile as the fire crackled. "I never knew the moment she became a friend," the Seeker continued. "Every day she'd come by my tent - sometimes to chat and other times to just seemingly drive me up the wall. Always asking questions about my family and Nevarra..." her voice trailed off. "She always looked me in the eye, no matter how rude or abrupt I was. Always smiled and seemed genuinely happy to stop. I don't know when I started looking forward to her visit or when I..." The crunching of heavy feet in the snow interrupted her and they both startled when a flask of whiskey was pressed into the space between them.

"She understood," Blackwall's gravelly voice floated over their shoulders as Varric took the offered drink. The warden sank down onto the log across the fire and gazed pointedly at Cassandra from under heavy brows. "That girl didn't have the ability to hold a grudge." He gave a short laugh and stroked his beard as he watched her shudder from the harsh alcohol. "She was easy like that," he continued. "I think I was half in love with her by the time we made it the mile back to camp that first day." He accepted the metal flask back and stared absently into the fire with a smirk of memory. "I'd have done anything for her, anything she asked. Hell I still would." He took a drink and enjoyed the slow burn as it slid into his stomach. 

"We all would," Josephine's gentle voice said as she joined the group at the fire. Snagging the flask from Blackwall, she settled on the log next to him. She took a dainty sip and sent Cassandra a stern look. "You did your job. We all did our jobs those first weeks. Half the time people looked at Carri like she was evil incarnate and the other half like she was the saviour of the world. We didn't know which was the right half to believe." She sighed and tossed back a second, larger sip. Blackwall's eyebrow rose and he snatched the drink from her hand. She shrugged and tossed him a saucy grin as he eyed the level inside. "Carri knew the pressure we were under. She doubted her missing memories more than we did at the time. She just didn't let it stop her from doing what she felt she needed too. And ultimately, what we needed her to do." 

A murmur of assent rose from the group gathered around the fire pit. The shadows grew longer as the group shared their favorite story about their missing compatriot. Other companions slipped into seats as the night wore on and Blackwall's flask ran dry from toasting. A recruit was sent to the supply tent for several bottles of wine and the mood grew lighter as the moon rose. Varric was on his feet regaling the group with "that one time" when Josephine's face grew white and still. He turned and spotted Cullen standing just outside the ring of warmth the fire cast into the night. An expectant hush fell over the listeners as he made his way closer.

"Please continue," he said softly. "She would have liked this. Well, maybe not the embarrassing stories part, but that everyone is laughing. That was important to her." Dorian handed him a bottle and he tipped his head in thanks. He stared into the fire for a moment, his fingers running absently over its neck. With a slight chuckle, he lifted it in salute and shut his eyes. "She makes us better. She makes us whole." He opened his eyes and glanced around the circle. "Yes. I say makes, not made. I believe she's still out there trying to find her way back. She's too important to me - to us," he amended quietly. "I know in my heart her story didn't end in Haven's collapse. She's too stubborn to let some overblown Darkspawn get the better of her." He trailed off and looked at Leliana across the flames. "You're right. I choose to believe." She smiled at him and raised her own bottle in salute.

A heavy feeling of anticipation fell over the group. Cassandra and Varric shared a glance and then looked towards the ex-templar. "So..." Varric pushed to his feet, placing his arms behind his back and puffing his chest out. Sera stifled a giggle behind her hand as the dwarf paced slowly over to Cullen. "As honorary best friend of the lady in question, what exactly are your intentions towards our Hearld?" 

Cullen's face grew pale and his eyes widened. "What do you mean?" he stammered, shocking bringing a long forgotten stutter to his voice. 

"Why yes, Commander," Leliana quipped. She stood and mimicked Varric's posture. "Our Hearld is a gently bred young lady from a good family. She should not be treated as a common peasant." 

Even Solas laughed softly as several others jumped to their feet to teasingly question the warrior. He stepped next to Cullen's side and thumped his staff against one of the logs. "I feel I should interject here," he stated with a twinkle in his eye. Cullen stared at him in slight horror as the elf gestured with his free hand. "Cullen is also from a proud family. He's a fine warrior and well trained in taking orders. Which is a good thing since we know the Herald is good at getting people to do them." His thin lips twisted in humor and he waved his hand to encompass the circle. "I say given his intentions are well founded, we approve his courting of the lady upon her return." 

Peals of laughter and agreement greeted his announcement and even Cullen relaxed and joined in. He stepped up on one of the more stable log seats and raised his bottle. "I would consider it an honor - if the lady agrees - to court her upon her return." His low voice took on a serious note and he continued, "I have never courted someone before. This is all new for me and I may need to ask your assistance in the proper way to do it. But I promise you this... I have never felt about anyone the way I do Carrilyce. I don't know where the future will take any of us or if we'll survive past tomorrow. You have my vow that I will spend every second I have left in this world making her happy. And if the Maker calls me to his side, then I shall spend every second I have there doing the same. She's amazing and strong. She makes me better and whole in ways I didn't know I wasn't." His voice trailed off and he gave the bottle a half smile. "I hope that I will make her better as well." He downed a drink and stepped off the log to the cheers of the gathered group of friends. 

For the first time in days, the mood was lighter and people chatted softly as they slipped from the fire. Cullen sat on a log, rolling a stick between his hands. He startled slightly when Varric rested a hand on his shoulder. "Curly," the dwarf said with a smile. "We'll get her back. You're right... she's smart and resourceful. And with all of this," he gestured at the ex-templar, "waiting for her to get her ass back here, you know she will." He winked and walked off in the chilly night with Bianca cradled in his arms. 

Cullen looked up into the dark sky. The faint, sickening glow of the breach filled the sky, but he could see stars fighting for space amidst its spirals. He picked out the brightest one and sent a silent prayer to Andraste that it would serve as a beacon to guide Carri back to them. He exhaled in the cold air and watched his breath swirl away. With a decisive nod, he headed towards his tent. Stopping just shy of the entrance he glanced back up at the star. "Tomorrow," he vowed. "Tomorrow we bring you back to us." 


End file.
